Tuesday, July 31, 2007

12/5/2006 - When Martha Married Liberace

Dec 5, 2006
When Martha married Liberace
When we were dating my husband and I discovered that we had millions of things in common.

And then Christmas came.

I was raised in a very strict White-Christmas-Lights-Fake Tree -No-Flashing family. He was raised on a more “Vegas-Baby-Multi-Colored-Flash-o-Rama" theme.The fact that our families Christmas décor tastes are in direct opposition to their personas is a whole ‘nother blog post.

This difference in our Christmas Taste first reared its ugly head when we were doing a romantic Saturday night drive looking at Christmas lights. We rounded a corner and were faced with a house and yard done completely in red, including red icicle lights hanging from every single surface. As I started to say “Dear God, that house looks like it is dripping blood“, then boy-friend-now-husband lets loose with “Wow, beautiful! Let’s do that with our house someday!”He was serious.

And I started having doubts about our entire relationship. The horror of the lights usurped any delight I would have had from him making the “Lets do that with OUR house someday…” comment, which was liquid gold in those early dating days.

Nine years later we are in Christmas Switzerland – white AND colored lights, fake tree, no flashing. It works for us. (Secretly, I really love when other people go all out crazy with lights and blow-up Santas and reindeer on the roof, the whole Chevy Chase Christmas look. )

My sweet friend Jackie is having her first married Christmas this year. She is also having her first pregnant Christmas and was content to let new hubby do the majority of the decorating. Now you must know that Jackie has great taste. She makes Martha Stewart look cheap and gaudy. So imagine her horror when new hubby starts pulling out all of his pre-marital Christmas décor, and turns her classic white-lit scene into a flashing Christmas version of the Bada-bing.

Welcome to married life. The merging of two families, two souls, and two polar opposite tastes in Christmas décor.

But it did start us on an email exchange about the crap that our husbands brought into the marriage. We both married, ahem, much older men in their forties. Single guys who had plenty of time to gather lots of stuff with no wife to help them trash, I mean, EDIT their stuff.Here, in no particular order, is some of her hubby’s “trousseau”:
1 - 20 different types of Christmas lights (not strands.....types) including but not limited to: Hershey kisses lights, ceramic colored bulb lights, plastic globe lights, fake wax candle lights, etc, etc.
2 - A Christmas Tree from QVC with multi colored lights complete with a remote control (I would actually like that in my Switzerland)
3 - Old candy wrappers and empty macaroni and cheese boxes with baseball cards on them
4 - Eight Track Tapes (but not the player)
5 - A broken plastic model Hippie statue. He refuses to get rid of it. (His brother painted it for him when they were little)
6 - A new, still in the box plastic model Hippie statue (an exact replica of the broken one)
7 - A dot matrix printer
8 - A rotisserie (never been used)
9 - A George Forman Grill (never been used)
10 - A magazine rack bought for him by his least liked sister-in-law. Probably spent about $10.
11 - A wrapped Christmas present given to him by his cousin about 2 years ago.
12 - 2 Tiffany style table lamps.
13 - 2 15" black and white computer monitors from at least the 80's. Yellowed with age.
14 - 2 24" porcelain and metallic Christmas statues, still in the box, never been used

My husband married me with:
1 - Three pairs of galoshes, circa 1977 chemistry teacher, never worn.
2 – 30 cans of tuna.
3 – Three lamps rescued from the trash at a college dorm. You know they were bad if college kids were done with them.
4 – A dresser his mother paid $15 for at the Goodwill when he was a child. One drawer missing.
5 – Three giant framed prints that look like they belonged on the set of Miami Vice.
6 – An assortment of Ronco “Limited TV offer” stuff, all in their original boxes, unopened.
7 – 2 unopened boxes from QVC, gifts from his aunt, later revealing this and this. SO worth the click over to see what I am talking about.
8 – About 100 pairs of socks, in the package.
9 – 2 snow tires that do not fit either of our cars, or the cars of anyone we know.

After six years of marriage, only #8 and #4 remain. And I am considering lighting a fire under #4’s sad, brittle self.

What did your significant other bring into the house?And what is the statute of limitations on pre-marital Christmas crap?

Posted by Michele at 12/05/2006 09:53:00 AM
4 comments:
HomeFireBlue said...
I will step up and confess that my darling Evil Genius Husband brought into our union 6 or 8 'long boxes' of comic books.I was overcome with greed and married him right away. (my collection was paltry compared to his, although OLDER and thus more valuable) Now it's MINE ALL MINE!BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!I'm sorry ... what were we talking about?Oh, and copies of every single school annual from every year of his life - kindergarten to college graduation (WHY are first graders offered school annuals?! Who cares?), the glass from his first purchased alcoholic drink (woo hoo), a battered Marylin Monroe poster, and a non-working lava lamp.Men. *shakes head*
Dec 5, 2006 11:00:00 AM
Suz said...
Furniture. Purchased entirely from Rooms to Go and thus guaranteed to match, except for the fact that husband substituted here and there because he likes dark green with the result that nothing matches at all. This includes the "man couch" called because it has two recliners, a massage unit, and a phone so you can order pizza without ever getting up.
Dec 5, 2006 1:09:00 PM
Everyday Superhero said...
We were young (yoooung) when we got married, but the man still came with some "mementos".All the Owl and Chess magazine he ever received as a child.Every award he ever won (even the ones for "participation".)Boxes and boxes of baseball cards. No less than four hockey jerseys.At least 10 different Chess boards. I am NOT shitting you.... truly... like anyone needs than many.On top of all that junk, all of his clothing was two sizes too big. Why do men insist they are a large? Really now, they make more than one size, because (duh) people come in different sizes.Four years of marriage and we are down to 3 chess boards, a handful of magazines (just in the very unlikely case one of the children wants to read about 20 year old information) and the baseball cards.
Dec 5, 2006 1:21:00 PM
Lumpyheads said...
You were right, those vases were SO worth the click. My eyes still hurt.
Dec 6, 2006 5:58:00 PM

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