Tuesday, July 31, 2007

8/9/2006 - My Daily Show

Aug 9, 2006
My Daily Show
Sometime this morning, shortly after I gave Baby E a smoochy squeeze and ended up with baby shit all over my arms (don’t ask) I decided that I need to start dating again.

It’s not that I don’t love my husband. I do. Maybe not as beautifully and eloquently as say, Her Bad Mother, but all in all he is a right fine husband. But our life has become one of noisy task management. I’m not looking to give it up. It’s the row we chose to hoe and we are two very happy hoes. Har har.I just want a few breaks from it to feel like a sexy woman (see shit covered arms above) drink lots of wine, eat a fabulous meal not prepared or cleaned up by me, see a few movies, maybe a concert or play, and have someone that does not share a mortgage with me pick up the check.

Please don’t tell me to “date” my husband. I have done it before and it was EXCELLENT. We are very good at dating. But we aren’t in a great babysitter place in our lives right now. My kids are 17 months old, so until they are old enough to report back to us that the babysitter taught them how to do tequila shots and let them watch Deadwood, we have to rely on family for kid-coverage. And said family is at a geographical disadvantage these days. So that pretty much leaves husband and I with each other as the only viable babysitter option. And we are back to square one.

I have been scouting around and I think the most logical choice is my already imaginary boyfriend Jon Stewart. We have been spending a delicious, if unreciprocated 30 minutes together five times a week. I know he is funny, charming, well-read and adorable. He has been on TV for 10 years so he must be bringing home some serious bucks by now. We have similar political, celebrity and topical interests. And he has two young kids so he would understand the need to ESCAPE. Yet, and this is a very important yet, he is one tiny guy. I probably outweigh him by 1000 pounds. Ok, a million (have you seen my ass lately?) Therefore, there would be no physical temptation - him because he probably has an equally tiny and hot wife, and me because I would, you know, kill him. Therefore no actual cheating. Sex is the last thing on my mind anyhow. That is one thing we do not need babysitters or money for at Chez IG2B.

Was that more than you needed to know?

So please, hold all my calls. I am waiting for Jon. I’ll be in the bathroom bleaching my arms.

Posted by Michele at 8/09/2006 02:02:00 PM
Andrew said...
Hi Michele,We've had discussions back at my site about going on dates with men other than your husband, though usually about how to give it up, and NEVER in as imaginative a manner as yours. All I can say is ... whatever gets you through the night! :o)To Love, Honor and Dismay
Aug 9, 2006 2:49:00 PM
Her Bad Mother said...
Dude! This cracked me up but good.
Aug 9, 2006 8:38:00 PM
ECR said...
You would think the fact that sex is free would be enough to drive my cheap ass husband to engage in the act every once in awhile. See, I have to opposite problem--I do get out and go on dates with my husband, but there is nothing happening on the homefront. See, this is the kind of stuff that happens when you tell me more than I need to know--I leave comments that are more than you need to know ;) Have fun with Jon. Hey, if you could arrange a double date for me with Stephen Colbert, that would be great!
Aug 9, 2006 9:04:00 PM
Binkytown said...
I think this is a great idea! I call Ed Helms!
Aug 10, 2006 10:31:00 AM
Sharpie said...
LOL!!! Sounds good to me!
Aug 10, 2006 12:23:00 PM
HomeFireBlue said...
OMG, may I please claim Ewan McGregor? I just bought The Island, watched it, rewatched it with Evil Genius Husband (kinda failed to tell him i'd just seen it), then watched bits of it again on the sly like some sort of filmoholic.Gah!
Aug 10, 2006 12:57:00 PM
macboudica said...
All you need now is to get Jon On Demand! Wouldn't that be the coolest!
Aug 10, 2006 9:39:00 PM
Beth said...
I'm hacking away at my linked blogs list and won't be around, but we don't know each other so I think you'll be all right with it. Just giving you the heads up. LOL I just read here and comment from time to time, but I don't think you come to mine. Still, I feel important enough to say, it's been fun. (sorry, in silly mood)
Aug 12, 2006 10:59:00 AM
Naomi said...
Dates with other men? What a good idea. Not so sure about Jon Stewart, but if he's yours, it doesn't matter for me anyway!!
Aug 15, 2006 10:31:00 AM

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