Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Origianl Date Unknown - Where I spent My Summer vacation

This is inspired by Amy's great post the other day, which is really much better than what I have to say so go read hers and then come back.

Amy tells a great story about her adventure alone in Europe and her thoughts about the person she was then. I can’t stop thinking about that. The person I was “before”.

I seem to be having alot of these thoughts right now and I am going to blame it on the weather. Summer brings with it so many great things, including ocean breezes and long days and watermelon and Coppertone and frozen margaritas and the smell of honeysuckle at night while you ride through the woods in the dark. All things that make me feel like I am 16 or 22 or even 26 again. Which I am NOT.

And sometimes, even though I am really, really happy, I wish I could go back. It s not that I can’t have a margarita while sitting by the ocean, slathered in Coppertone, now. I can. But I would also have to pack Sunblock 50 and ice packs to keep the milk sippy cups cold, and something to keep the babies in the shade and remind my husband we need quarters for the meters (damn greedy beach town!) and hell, a margarita would just make me sleepy and then I would be too tired to give the kids a bath so maybe I should just have an iced coffee.

I love my life now, it is "what I always wanted" but sometimes I get blown away by a feeling of longing for the girl (yes, GIRL) I used to be. The girl who danced all night and woke up on the beach. The girl who had options. The girl who only had herself to take care of. The girl who could move to LA or Austin or Paris on a whim, but didnt. Unfortunately what I then saw as "being responsible and growing up" I now see as having short changed myself on the one time in my life when I could have done ANYTHING and didn't because I thought I was being "grown up".

I look at life alot differently now that I am married 6 years with two babies. Now when I think about my boys growing up I ache at the thought of them leaving home and if I think too hard about it I can scare the shit out of myself worrying about all of the things that could hurt them.

But I really hope they do spend some time living in Paris or Argentina and dancing all night and sleeping on the beach or whatever. Because as good as my life is now, I have given up the chance to go back. I know that one day I will not feel so needed and so tied down, but then I will also be much older, and I am afraid I wont remember how to dance all night anymore.

Amy said she would love to have just one day back. I think that I would like to take a week’s vacation there this summer.

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