Monday, July 30, 2007

Perhaps I was being Punk'd

A while back, well before my two turned two, I read that age two is a time when most couples tend to argue over who has more responsibility for the kids. At the time I thought “Two? A little late, no? Certainly we will be WELL past that by the time they turn 2.”

Turns out, we are RIGHT ON F’IN SCHEDULE!

Saturday, I cleaned out and switched over from winter to spring my closet and the boy’s closet. This included emptying out my closet, and theirs, and the guest room closet (because that is where all of my off-season couture is stored – such as the Spring ‘04 Target collection and selections from the ’03, ’04 and ’05 TJ Maxx ready to wear group), dragging up countless Rubbermaid containers from the basement to sort through, sizing and sorting all of their stuff they are growing out of, their birthday gift outfits, their bought last-year-end-of-season stuff, and their general piles of stuff that appear like magic overnight. T

he house was a huge mess of piles and Rubbermaid and laundry baskets and Goodwill bags, with my two two-year-olds doing their very best to mess the hell of it up even more. It took from 8am to noon to sort and stow and restore order. During which time I put each of them in time-out about 87 times, yelled about 113 times, and almost cried twice. It was not one of our finer moments.

And where was Tom while all this hell was breaking loose? At a gardening seminar*. With adults. And refreshments. And door prizes. And peace and quiet. And pretty flowers. And stuff to buy.

So he comes home just in time for, ta-da! - nap time for the boys! They slept for two and a half hours, clearly exhausted from hazing their mother all morning. Tom had a leisurely lunch and read the paper while the boys snoozed. Surly and unwashed as I was, I wanted OUT of the house so I ran out to do all of the post-closet-makeover drop-offs - Goodwill, Dry cleaners, drug store, etc.

Got home, jumped in the shower so we could go to church Saturday evening, rushed through my hair and make-up and just as I finished, the boys woke up and it was time to change, brush, and scrub them for mass. Which I did myself, because Tom had to get ready too. Because he was obviously not done with his freaking paper yet when I said for the 299th time – “you need to get ready for church NOW because the boys will be up any second.”

Sunday morning we went to brunch with my parents, which was really wonderful and delicious in so many ways. After, we rode home and everyone was in a fat, post-buffet state of near coma. I was looking forward to everyone taking a nice nap.We got home, put the boys down and we laid down too, and 10 minutes later Toddler J decides he is SO not tired. So I got up with him (because I was actually wired from the 37 cups of delicious coffee I drank at brunch), and chased and played with him for the next two hours while Tom and Toddler E snoozed.

Just as I am thinking Toddler J may, in fact, maybe ready for a nap, Tom gets up and says he is going to change the oil in the mini-van**. Of course he was. Because now Toddler E was ready to get up and PLAY! So Tom heads out into the garage and I got to spend the next 90 minutes chasing toddlers, cooking dinner, folding laundry and grinding my teeth. The boys were into EVERYTHING that was not nailed down so I took them outside, where I got to chase them in public, screaming like a fishwife trying to keep them out of the street.

All while Tom worked in isolation in the garage.Guess when he finished up? Why, just as the boys were settled comfortably in their chairs and dinner was being laid out on the table, of course. At least he had the decency to notice the clenching of my jaw and he bathed them and got them ready for bed. While I laid on the couch and ate bon-bons and spoke to my attorney cleaned up after the dinner THAT I COOKED.

This morning he told me that he felt like the weekend went by too fast and he barely got to have any bonding time with the boys.He may still be on the floor in the fetal position where I left him.


*He wanted all of us to go to the gardening seminar, but the Personal Assistant/Housekeeper/Nanny that I order from Ronco for $19.99 still hasnt shown up and my house needed some attention. And how much wiould the boys have gotten out of it? Really.**OK, yea, so we are going away this weekend and the van did need an oil change, but still!! Who gets to take a two hour nap when they have toddlers? Not me.

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