Tuesday, October 2, 2007

Hi, I'm New Here

So remember yesterday, when I was all "I have no responsibility yet, la, la, la, la" ?

Today I had my first training session , meeting , 10 minutes with my predecessor during which we were interrupted three times. We started going over what I am going to be doing. It went a bit like this.

My Predecessor: "So you will need to come up to speed on all of this blah-blah-blah-gibberish-greek-farsi-yada-yada because you have a bunch of reports due November 1st on all of this data."

Me (throwing up in my mouth a little): "OK, so where should I start?"

My Predeccesor: "You will just need to read and interpret this three foot thick binder of reporting requirements, translate them from Urdu, into Aramaic and then into Hebrew and then multiply them by the square root of the the exact number of times that a blue bird has flown over the Washington monument, subtracting any flyovers that occurred during a period of rain or social unrest in Denmark. Then, you will just have to rewrite the queries so that they all match, and so that they can be sung in perfect pitch to the original score of "Madame Butterfly", preferably in German but they will also accept Dutch."

Me: "Hmmm. OK, so do you think you will have some time to go over some of this with me again?"

My Predecessor: "I don't know. I will just have to see. In the mean time, go ahead and start memorizing the periodic table of elements while standing on your head and predicting 2008 batting averages for the Cuban national women's baseball team, and have it ready by the end of the day."

Me: "Uh, wow, this is not exactly the way this job was presented to me in the interview. I thought there would be more training...."

My Predecessor: "Really? Good luck with that."

I am typing this from the floor of the ladies room, sitting in a puddle of hot fudge and my own bitter, overwhelmed tears. And that, along with the fact that my period also started yesterday, is pretty much the way my first few days of work go on any new job. I will do what I always do, which is one part lamaze breathing, one part eating through the fear, and two parts taking this out on my husband because he is not Bill Gates.

Edited to add - My predecessor is actually a very nice person, but she is bogged down with learning her new job, likely from someone else higher up the food chain who is also speaking Spanglitalian to her. 'Tis the circle of life.


Suz said...

I've been at my job for so long that I forgot what this feels like. Take care, let us know how it goes, and you'll be okay.

Sounds like you're predecessor's a real peach!

Marsha said...

Yikes, good luck. I am sure that tomorrow will be better.

BetteJo said...

Yeah. Training. Seems to be a thing of the past, right there along with customer service.

Binky said...

I can see how that's a little on the overwhelming side. But you still have your sense of humor. That's good, right? You have that going for you :)