Thursday, January 17, 2008

Day of Reckoning


Some of you may not be intimately familiar with how Tom and I procreated. Others of you (Christine, I am looking at you) know every tearful step. After two years of trying on our own, then another year-ish trying Clomid and IUI's, we finally, thankfully, successfully, had in-vitro.


In-vitro wasn't a small thing for me to venture into. For me, life begins at conception, and I was NOT going to have 30 little mini-me's created in a lab by an over-zealous fertility clinic staff. I had long conversations with my doctor about conservatively stimulating me, and even more conservatively harvesting and fertilizing. The final result was 4 embryos, 2 of which became our boys, and two of which we froze. For the "future".


I have thought about those two frozen embryos every single day since they were created. When our kids were about 10 months old, I wildly thought I was ready to try again. I even saw the doctor and had a chat and some blood work done. For several different reasons, we didn't go through with it at the time. And it was for the best. We have made great strides since then in becoming more financially secure, and more parentally and maritally relaxed and secure.


But while I was thinking about those little embryos every day, I wasn't actually sure when it was that I was going to be ready to meet them. Sure we talked about when/if/how we would have more, but in the back of my mind I kept putting it off. Sometimes Tom will jokingly say "Just two more." whenever our kids were being particularly bratty or challenging. It was funny the first few times he said it, but then I realized he was serious. He really does want two more. And I started to resent it. What was a "Why not?" thing for him, was a "Holy Shit!" thing for me. The doctor's visits, the pre-natal worrying. The extra work and the extra expense of one more. Or two more.


And then the other day I got a letter in the mail from my fertility doctor. A letter and two forms. One form for us to fill out and sign saying that we no longer wanted to store our frozen embryos and giving them permission to destroy them. And another form to fill out if instead we wished to continue having them store the embryos with "the intention of a future transfer and possible pregnancy". And suddenly the room started swirling around me. The future was no longer far away. It had walked into my kitchen and said 'Hello! Remember me? Time to wake up lady!"


And it was all so clear. I do want another baby. I know it won't be easy or quick. I am committed to losing at least 30 pounds before I even schedule an appointment with my fertility doctor to talk about transferring the frozen embryos. And I want to start exercising regularly again. That means at least 4 times a week. I am 40 now, and my kids are getting faster and I am getting slower. That has to be fixed. I want to feel really good before I even try to get pregnant again.


If I dont get pregnant, at least I will have tried, for my two embryos in limbo, and my husband, who is a wonderful father, and for me, who very suddenly find herself thinking about babies again. Alot. And if nothing else, taking better care of myself will make me a better mother for the two wonderful children I do have.

5 comments:

Your Friend said...

These are the times (among many others) I wished we lived closer. I'm on the quest to lose 30 before Andrew becomes a big brother. I need someone to walk with and answer to. Andrew just watches everything I put in my mouth and thinks, "Hey, that's not applesauce!" There's no time to lose, 41 is on my heels!

Your Friend said...

These are the times (among many others) I wished we lived closer. I'm on the quest to lose 30 before Andrew becomes a big brother. I need someone to walk with and answer to. Andrew just watches everything I put in my mouth and thinks, "Hey, that's not applesauce!" There's no time to lose, 41 is on my heels!

Laura said...

It is amazing how quickly the time to make those decisions approaches. I hope the months ahead bring you everything you wish for.

Smiling Mama said...

I have not had experience with fertility treatments or anything that you went through, but this post really resonated with me. I have so much respect for you being so thoughtful regarding the entire process. Good luck in this next stage!!

Swistle said...

This is very exciting. I always want to lose weight before getting pregnant, too, but the one time I actually succeeded, I then found it very, very difficult to let myself gain weight during the pregnancy. I had better luck when I started a pregnancy heavier than I'd like to be, and then had extra motivation to eat good-quality foods during the pregnancy.