Monday, April 14, 2008

My Life in the Ladies Room




See this shirt here? A few weeks ago I got something like it. In black, but where the cleavage starts showing it had a little swatch of tasteful black lace that kept my cleavage somewhat under control. I know, it sounds tacky but really it was fine, and it was the perfect top because it offered gut and butt coverage, yet I still had a waist. And in basic black I could not go wrong for work or play.


Mornings are crazy and as I rushed the boys out the door I grabbed it out of the clean laundry pile and threw it on over khaki's with tasteful black flats. I didn't have time to check out the whole outfit, but it's a go-to shirt so no worries. I dug earrings and a necklace out of my purse on the ride to work and checked my hair and lipstick in the rear view. All was well.


Hours later I am sitting in a meeting. A meeting where I TALKED About WORK STUFF to other people. At WORK. With WORK PEOPLE. At some point the meeting finally ended and I ran to the ladies room, only to find that there were three big holes in my "tasteful" black lace inset. Three holes. Suddenly my "tasteful" lace inset, which was supposed to be covering my cleavage, had become a beacon of trashy in an otherwise white-bread outfit. Instead of cleavage camoflauge, I was unknowingly providing a frightening peep show. I was Amy Winehouse in a mini-van.


I don't know how the three holes got there, but I suspect it might have something to do with assorted cars that unnamed short people that I live with may or may not have thrown into the wash that I may or may not have recovered when they started clanging away in the dryer. We may never know.


In any event, I had some quick lace damage control to do. Since I am not a 17th century nun, I don't know how to repair lace. So I hit the ladies room with a pair of nail scissors, and whipped the shirt off and went to work carefully cutting the lace inset out and then sewing a few small stitches along the neckline to minimize tit exposure. Thank God for those little sewing kits they give you in hotels or I would have had to glue the shirt to my neck to avoid flashing my already spooked co-workers.



As I stepped out to survey the damage and pronounce it fit for work, I had to laugh at some of the dramas that have been played out in the ladies rooms of my life, including the Bloodbath, the Kilt Cover-up, and the current Kashi Go Lean Gas Blast of April 2008. I have cried, napped, hidden and laughed with co-workers in ladies rooms. Gossiped. Taken, and failed pregnancy tests. Given myself IVF injections. Done telephone interviews via cell phone. Hemmed pants. Changed bras, underwear and even whole outfits bought on lunch hours. I have counseled and been counseled by work friends on everything from boyfriends to husbands , to careers and lay-offs, to pregnancy and crying babies who wont sleep. It is my salon, my clinic, my refuge, my dressing room.


No wonder men wonder what we are doing in there together.

11 comments:

MamaBird said...

This was all in all a perfect post. I laughed, I cringed, I commiserated. My fave moment was (as a 7th grade teacher) the day i threw on a kinda clean (i thought) pair of pants only to have a pair of UNDERWEAR wriggle out of my pants leg while lecturing. I actually pulled it off (cough, bend, palm) but have been thorough in my pants checking ever since....

Becky said...

Oh yikes - if I had any cleavage that could have happened to me. But I don't, and that's a sad story for another time.

Michele said...

Mamabird - I cant think of a tougher crowd than a bunch of 7th graders. That may have been the luckiest day of your life that you caught it before they did.

Becky - I have it to spare. I am looking for a place to donate some cleavage. Can't someone fix that???

Your Friend said...

Ah memories of bathroom events gone by. Kitty's...Spellman Hall.... and of course, who could ever forget the bar room brawl your intoxicated friend spurred on due to sheer panic of wetting her pants? Those were some very angry "ladies."

Michele said...

Friend -

Was that the brawl that resulted in you hiding out at Hecht's doing some drunken shopping?

Ah, the good old days.

Amanda (Shamelessly Sassy) said...

I love that shirt. I bet it's really cute in black. Also, this "Since I am not a 17th century nun, I don't know how to repair lace" nearly made me pee myself!

sherry said...

I have a similar shirt in black, sans lace insert because, by george, that's how I roll.

I nearly pissed myself, Michele. That was perhaps one of your best posts ever. Reading that actually made me reminiscent for a "regular" job.

Sharpie said...

I heart you. I totally, unabashedly heart you.

Laura said...

Great post! My husband has told me that I would be stunned at what all goes on in the men's room when they are all in there together. I think we're not all that far apart after all.

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Still Struggling with Ceaseless Chaos said...

the "Kashi Go Lean Gas Blast of April 2008" !!! I sympathize - but I haven't as good a laugh in a long, long time.